Here comes the sun...

I have to come to realize that there are many "Melissas" out there in this world, my friend who passed was not the only Melissa. And being bothered by hearing "Melissa" does me no good at all. I have to understand that while there are many "Melissas" out there, there is only one Melsa, and that will never change, no matter how long she is gone. And only Melsa would be wearing a mustache or a huge, giant, oversized purple pimp hat, so that shuts up the "squirrel circus" in my head.. "Melsa" wins...

Hearing the name Melissa brings me back to the memories I shared with my friend. And that makes me remember how much I miss her. But instead of using the negativity surrounded with the loss I and many others went through, and drown in my pool of sorrow and tears, I have been doing more positive things, and have been focusing on the good times, rather than the dark. And I think she would be happy and proud that I'm changing my ways. And I think she would be happy to know that I am truly getting happier. It's one of the things she always wanted from me.

Today I painted, as I have been doing a lot in the past couple of weeks, but this time was a lot more special because I was painting something for Melsa's mom, and I really can't wait to give it to her. I thank God, or who ever the heck is out there, for the wonderful people I have in my life. Screw the people that only bring me down. I was once told that the people in my life who judge, do NOT matter, but the people who matter do NOT judge. And Melsa's mom is one of those special people in my life who helped bring me up during an extremely dark time. She is such an amazing person, and she is stunningly resilient and strong.

But the dark times are over for now, but I know that there's a chance that they may come back. But next time I'll be prepared for whatever is to come. God, along with my support network won't let me fail, and I don't plan on failing.

Volunteers wanted!

I wrote this for the May edition of RACC's Front Street Journal. Read and enjoy!!!

Volunteering is a healthy, positive thing to do with your free time. Service work is a good way to give back what was freely given to you. There are many benefits to volunteering, such as pride, satisfaction, and accomplishment. By volunteering you gain work experience, build your resume, learn or develop skills, and improve your physical and mental health. Not to mention the positive impact on one’s community.

There are many important reasons to volunteer your time, and there are just as many causes and issues out there. One very important cause is mentoring children. Children are our future, and some children are falling through the cracks. One public agency that helps these children in our own area is Big Brothers Big Sisters of Berks County. BBBS was established in 1968 in Berks County as one of the initial mentoring agencies serving children from single parent families. Their mentoring programs focus on providing quality-based services to area at-risk youth. Big Brothers Big Sisters is always looking for positive, adult volunteers.

There is a process to become a volunteer at BBBS. First there is a 10-15 minute phone orientation where the potential Big is informed about the eligibility requirements, the programs available, and the application process. After the orientation, the volunteer is sent an application packet- which includes the application and some paperwork. As part of that application packet, the volunteer provides the agency with four references. Potential volunteers are required to undergo a PA Criminal Background Check and a CHILDLINE check, which is done annually. Each volunteer is also required to attend a Volunteer Training and Empowerment session; in addition, a personal interview is conducted with each potential volunteer. Those volunteers wanting to be matched with a little in the One to One Program must attend a second Training session and have a Home Assessment conducted prior to being matched. The process to become a volunteer has its steps, but it is not difficult.

Big Brothers Big Sisters has two programs that you can volunteer for. The ONE to ONE program is their best known program. A positive adult role model (age 19 or older) is matched with a Little Brother or Little Sister for about 8-10 hours a month for at least one year. The Big, Little and parent decide on what the outings are and when and where they take place, with guidance and support from BBBS professional staff.

There is another mentoring program that provides immediate mentoring services to the littles who are unmatched. This program is called COUL, the club of unmatched littles. This program is great for volunteers with time constraints! Supervised COUL activities are held weekly for unmatched littles who are waiting to be matched in the ONE to ONE program. The activities differ each week, and range informational and educational, to fun! Volunteer mentors only need to attend 6 agency sponsored activities a year, which equals around 12 hours a year. COUL fosters resiliency, encourages goal setting, teaches life skills and provides all COUL kids with a caring and supportive environment.

Big Brothers Big Sisters serve youth aged 8 to 19 years old. Their community based programs concentrate on single parent households (some exceptions are made). A large majority of their youth are at or below the poverty level, although income in not a determining factor in acceptance to the agency. In 2011, 42% were Caucasian, 32% Hispanic and 25% Black or multiracial. The one thing they all have in common is that they are all in need of a positive mentor. All littles are from Berks County. About 42% of them are from the City of Reading and the other 58% are from nearly every school district in Berks County.

Over the past three years, BBBS has maintained a 100% high school graduation rate. All littles who were eligible to graduate high school did. Also, 99% of their littles advanced to the next grade. Less than 1% has been involved in teenage pregnancy instances, and that includes both boys and girls.

According to their Program Outcomes-based Evaluation tool (POE) over 73% of youth surveyed felt that their academic performance was better. About 81% of the youth surveyed said they felt more self-confident, and nearly 80% of those surveyed felt that they were better able to avoid delinquency.

According to Big Brothers Big Sisters of America, a national survey revealed the positive effects of mentoring on a child. It said that 46% were less likely to start using drugs, 27% were less likely to drink alcohol, 52% less likely to skip school, and 73% more likely to set goals.

There is also a shortage of male volunteers. There is a strong need for male mentors. About 60% of their littles who are not matched are Little Brothers. The reason behind it is a difficult one. A July 2004 report from the National Mentoring Center examined some of those theories. Time commitment is one. Men are more apt to believe their time is already committed or over committed, and that they have no time to volunteer. Some men believe that volunteering with children is a “feminine activity”. They also could be unaware of the need for male mentors.

When asked why he thinks it is important to volunteer, Executive Director of BBBS of Berks County said this: “As a longtime volunteer Big Brother, I can say first-hand that volunteering as a Big Brother or Big Sister can be a very rewarding experience. Sometimes the positive effects are small, sometimes bigger… but the effects are evident nonetheless, and knowing that you had a part in bettering a child’s life is”.

Who knows where these children would be today if programs like Big Brothers Big Sisters didn’t exist. One former Little Brother Charles Scheetz, Assistant Director of Financial Aid at Keuka College, once said, “I don’t know where I would be without Big Brothers Big Sisters, but I do know I wouldn’t be where I am today.” The best way someone can help these kids is by volunteering, volunteering, volunteering. Or, if you can’t volunteer, support events that help raise money for programs like Big Brothers Big Sisters. Participate in the annual Bowl For Kids’ Sake event, their biggest fundraiser of the year, in the April/May timeframe or the Golf Invitational in August.

To obtain more information about BBBS programs, or to become involved with the agency go to www.BigsinBerks.org, or call the agency at (610) 373-5544.

Don't challenge me! A story of manipulation.

So, on April Fool's day, I was trying to prank my dad. I went away to Hershey for a conference and I was on my way home on April Fool's day when I called my dad and told him that my friends left me in Hershey. I thought about what I was going to do to him on the first all weekend long, since I couldn't do the plan that me and my sister's ex/niece's dad and I had planned because I was away at the conference. We were going to take his truck, and take all the wheels off of it, but that was an impossible plan, so I had to go down a different avenue. So the best plan I came up with over the weekend was telling my dad, when I was 5 minutes away from home (so he wouldn't leave and head for Hershey. Aren't I so thoughtful?), that I got left in Hershey. I had everything down packed. I knew what I was going to say and I was going to sound believable. I bet you can tell what happened. He didn't believe me. He laughed in my face. And when I got home, he did the one thing you never do to me- challenge me. He told me that I would never be able to prank him. He got me a couple times that day. Even the day after, he got my brother's girl friend to tell me she saw the crazy crack head who lives near us come out of my house and that she had suspicions of my dad and her being together. This being after April Fool's, I somewhat believed her. Not fully, because I honestly thought my dad had better taste than that. When I confronted him the next day, he just broke out in laughter. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. After that I was even more determined to get back at him. So me and my sister came up with the perfect plan.
So, I started dating a fake person. Let's just say my family doesn't like Spanish people, so some of my family members freaked out when they found out that I was dating "Pablo Hernandez". The first person I told was my mom, because I knew she would set everything in motion. She would tell Crystal, who would tell my brother- the most bigoted person in my family. The day I told her, all I knew at the time was what his first name would be. I discovered that day really how well I can lie, especially when I'm on the stand and have to make a lot of lies up real quick. So that day I found out that Pablo Hernandez was 25 and was in my sister's writing class. He speaks Spanish, and he is adorable. My mom ate all of it up.

The next thing I did was make up a fake facebook for Pablo. I found a random picture off the internet, wrote some stuff up about him, and bam, there it was. Then I changed our relationship statuses. I didn't tell my dad outright at first that I was dating someone, because I knew that if I told him, he wouldn't believe me. The next person I told was John, my niece's dad. He freaked out. He basically told me that I was a horrible German, and that I shouldn't be dating Pablo. He told me that its not right for a dog to mess with a cat, or a chihuahua shouldn't mess with a pit bull. I told him that he was ridiculous, and that his analogies didn't make sense.

My dad found out about me and "Pablo" in the best way. One day I was at Redner's and I decided to bring home flowers for the kitchen table. Little did I know that this was the best item I bought that day. So any way, I was working with the stubborn plant because the roots were coming out. John came over and he asked me if the flowers were from Pablo. Luckily, my sister was in the room and she played it up. I left the room to take the plant outside, but my sister yelled something about me and Pablo as I was walking out the door. Later, my sister told me that my dad choked on his coffee when he heard that I was dating "Pablo". As my sister told me- "Hook, line and sinker!"

Then I had "Pablo" friend request my dad on facebook, and the next morning my dad asked me more about this "Pablo". I was shy and I told him that Pablo was just a friend. And then my dad told me that "Pablo better treat you right, or I'll do the same thing to him as I did to John!" (My dad pulled a gun on John when my sister and him told my dad she was pregnant. He peed himself, might I add. Or at least that's what I hear).

So for a couple weeks, I pretended to go out on dates on the weekend. I would get dressed up to go out to do what I normally do on the weekends. Then finally the time came to tell everyone the best part of the prank.

Pablo got me pregnant. I didn't think that I could pull that part off, so I practiced with John. The one morning I made a big scene on facebook about how Pablo and I broke up. Then that night while I was over at John's, he asked me about it. And I told him that we were fighting because I hung out with an ex, but then I said that wasn't the worst of it. And then I didn't even have to say that I was pregnant! The big dummy asked ME if I was pregnant! So I took it and I ran with it. Then I had to sit through a lecture about how I have to grow the fuck up and take responsibility, even though Pablo left me because he thought I was cheating on him. As I was being lectured, I was freaking out to him about how everything was ruined. How was I going to finish school, work or do ANYTHING while being a single mother? Holy hell, I wasn't ready for this! I didn't think John would believe me, but he did. He was too easy though, and I had my practice for the real challenge- my dad.

So, after we all had dinner at John's, I went home with my dad, and before he could retreat to his man cave, I nervously asked him if I could talk to him. He asked me what was up, and I told him that Pablo broke up with me. And he said that he knew, he saw it on facebook. (yay for facebook!) And then I said, it gets worse. He broke up with me because... (dun dun dun) I'm pregnant. It took all my willpower to not laugh as I said this, but I did it. Then I watched my dad freak out, put his hands on his head and scream "Oh my god, oh my god, I can't believe this, I thought you were smarter than that!" After a little bit, I couldn't stand not laughing, and I let it out. The look he gave me when he realized it was a joke was hilarious and priceless, and I knew I had won the battle. I succeeded in pulling the greatest joke ever on him. So, just so you all know, I'm probably going to hell for this, but it was all worth it. And my sister and I will probably go down in history as the worst children ever, but I guess I'm ok with that. My dad still didn't realize that Pablo is a fake person, but if he's reading this right now, then now he knows.

As for John, he still thinks I'm pregnant. After I told my dad that I was pregnant, I went back over to John's and pretended that my dad went ballistic and left the room to get away from me. I also told him that he left the room muttering something about puertoricans. I acted depressed and suicidal, and I freaked out a little bit more. Then I went home so he would think that I was moping. It's working, I keep getting texts from him asking me if I'm alright.

I don't know which way to go with this. If I let it go and never tell him, only so long will pass before he realizes that I'm not showing. I could either wait and see how long it takes him to realize that I'm not pregnant, or piss him off and tell him that I got an abortion. To be honest, as of now I don't know which option to choose. Maybe I'll sleep on it, or let things work out the way they're meant to.

But all I know is that I'm amazing. I never thought I could pull this off, but I did. And to be honest, I'm kind of glad it's over with. Who would have thought that lying for over 3 weeks would end up being annoying and time consuming? But oh well, that is just how I roll. PEACE!

It's GOODNIGHT, not GOODBYE...

Four years ago, a really good friend of mine passed away. I was given the greatest opportunity: to speak at her funeral. That is such an honor and a memory that I will never and could never forget. Tomorrow (or later on today if you would like to get technical), is her fourth 5K Memorial Run/Walk. In honor of that, I thought I would post what I wrote for her funeral.

Melissa was a very special friend and person. She was friendly and caring towards everyone. She was always there for someone if they needed help. She was such a brave and courageous person, which made her a fun person. She was not afraid to go somewhere with a fake mustache, and she did that a lot. She loved to make people happy, and to make them laugh. She was always doing things to help others, and she was the most selfless person I ever knew. Melissa helped me a lot, and was always there if I needed to talk. She also showed me how important it is to have an open mind, and to look at things from different perspectives. I'll never forget all the fun we had and I won't forget her. Melsa was the most amazing person in the world to me, and that will never change.

I also made her a promise. I promised her that I would stop drinking and using drugs. After she died, I didn't keep that promise, but I am currently working on keeping it now. I wrote a promise on the back of a picture of a sunset and I put it in her coffin. I never told anyone this, and no one ever read this before, but this is what I wrote:

My gift to you has meaning burried so deep, only you can find it. My gift is a promise, a promise that you've always wanted all along. You told me that you wanted me to have dreams and a future. Before now, I never thought about my future but you made me realize how much I wanted one. You've given me so much, Melsa, and I hope that this is promise is sufficient. You've given me the abilities to love and trust other people, but yet you've given me a skeptical attitude to combat the greedy, self centered masses. You've opened my mind and my heart, and for that I'll never forget you. I don't think that you could ever know how much you helped me, or how much I love you. And I don't think that I could ever put my gratitude down in words. I love you, and you'll always be in my heart, and whenever I see that sun set, I'll think of you- when the time for dreaming starts. Love, Chels.

I remember the day when she shook me and told me that she wanted me to have dreams and a future, that memory will never fade. She always wanted the best for me and the rest of our friends. I was told that she would cry a lot over my friends and me, because of all the drinking and drugs we did. At that time we only smoked pot. I feel so guilty over that, I never wanted her to cry. She is my main motivator in my sobriety, and I'd like to say that I will never drink again- just for her. But as I've been learning it's one day at a time. I broke my promises before but I am determined to keep it now.

When I think back to when she first died, I can remember the heartbreak. I can remember how I was on the floor of my bedroom, crying and unable to move. I never experienced death before, and this was a rude awakening to the facts of life. Now I can think back on our time together and the pain isn't as bad. I can see in myself how much I have healed.

I am just really lucky to have been able to know such an amazing person, and I am comforted to know, and to feel that she is still with me, every step of the way in my ridiculous journey. And for that, I love you, Melsa.

It's all about perspective.

Yesterday as I was driving home, a car pulled out in front of me and proceeded to go 20 miles under the speed limit. It made me mad, but I let it go. But then I realized that the car was going the same way I was going, and that I would be stuck behind this idiot for a while. Every time it turned down where I was going to go, I thought to myself, "shit!". But then I wondered, did anyone ever think that of me when they were behind me? And then that thought made me think of a great friend of mine who passed away a couple years ago, and how she changed my perspective on everything. A counselor once told me that she was like a kaledoscope or something. But anyway, she made me realize that there are always two sides to the story, and neither of them might be true. In fact, both sides most likely aren't true. People always exaggerate to make their story seem better and more truthful.

Being behind that slow, slow car also made me think of when I think negatively of other people. I just wish I could hear what everyone is saying about me. Sometimes I can't control my thoughts, and they are filled with negativity- about other people, places, things. The best I can do when those thoughts arise is to listen, and then to let them go and not act on the thoughts. It takes all of my willpower to not do anything about my thoughts. But I am a work in progress, so there's bound to be mistakes.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, no matter how wrong it may seem.

I was reminded of how opinionated I used to be, and I've been realizing how much that storm calmed down. There are many storms around me, but that one calmed down a lot. I used to be so angry and mouthy, and I could tell you off quicker than anyone else could. But now, I'm shy, quiet and meek. Sometimes I wonder what the hell happened to me. So much trauma had happened to me over the past 5 years or so, and it resulted in pure anger. But now the anger has subsided and I feel like I lost myself in the process of healing.

I've always been a shy, quiet person, but when you get me mad, you better watch out. Lately, it hasn't been that way, and I just storm off and leave in a rage. And then I take that rage out on myself. I don't know why I do that, and I don't know why I'm so introverted. But I do know that I'm jealous of extroverts. They have what I've always wanted: to be able to act out and be outgoing whenever I wanted and not just when I feel manic.

But as I mentioned earlier, I am a work in progress and one day (I hope) I will feel comfortable in my own skin. I'm a long way from perfect, and I might never get there, but at least I am trying.

And that is all that matters.

$50,000 in debt.

I got an email today about Corbett's new proposed education budget. This new plan would cut funding for PASSHE schools by 20%. This will impact the schools like Bloomsburg, California, Cheyney, Clarion, East Stroudsburg, Edinboro, Indiana, Kutztown, Lock Haven, Mansfield, Millersville, Shippensburg, Slippery Rock and West Chester Universities of Pennsylvania. PASSHE also operates branch campuses in Clearfield, Freeport, Oil City and Punxsutawney and several regional centers, including the Dixon University Center in Harrisburg.

This is completely ridiculous. Education is someone's one way ticket out of poverty. Did they ever stop and think about that? Education is important, so why are our elected officials trying to make it harder for many students to go to college? Are these people who are in control of our lives, even though they shouldn't be, really that stupid?

I live near Reading, the #1 impoverished city in the country. And I go to a community college in Reading and I work in Reading. I spend most of my day in Reading. If people saw what I see every day- people trying their hardest to make it just one more day- I believe they couldn't help it but to help them. I do not come from a rich family, nor am I rich. Hell, I probably don't even have a buck in my bank account! But every year, I have to fill out my FAFSA after I do my taxes so the government can tell me how much money they will give me for school, and every year it gets less and less.

I am going to be transferring to a bigger college in the fall, and this college is going to cost a LOT more money than what my community college costs. This is a scary thing, because I know I'm not going to be getting all scholarships and grants, I'm going to have to take out loans. By the time I get my bachelor's degree, I will have roughly $50,000 to pay back. This is endentured servitude! I'm going to have to work for the rest of my life to pay back these loans, forget about retirement! And the sad thing is that I'm already giving them my heart and soul!

This budget is ridiculous. It shouldn't be passed. It takes away from the hope of students who want brighter futures. And it definitely makes the law makers look like they are in control of everything, and it shouldn't be that way. What happened to the voice of the people? It died out a long time ago, and it needs to be brought back.

It's a dog eat dog kind of world.

Why is it that ignorant, incompetent people have to act like assholes and pick on others who are weaker than them in some areas? My brother has a friend who is like this, and he is horrible to everyone around him, even to people he used to look up to. He is mostly horrible to me, picking on me about things that I have no control over, like how much I weigh. He even picks about things I say, even if I say something like "The weather is nice today" or something simple like that. He can twist anything I say and turn it into something sexist or horrible. Another thing he does is when ever I leave the house, he accuses me of going to see my girlfriend. I don't even have a girlfriend right now. But everytime I see him, he makes fun of me for being bi-sexual. Usually, when my brother and his gang of idiots, including this friend of his that I've been talking about, are home and I am going out the door, I hear remarks like, "What do you do when you have sex with your girlfriend?", "Are you going to eat your girlfriend's ***?", "Can I watch you and your girlfriend have sex?". And it doesn't stop there, their remarks are always plentiful and disgusting. Not to mention rude. And not to mention that I don't even have a girlfriend. Did I mention that already? Let's just say my home life is horrible when my dad is gone, and when there is no one to stop these idiots. When I see that ugly white truck parked outside my house when I pull up in the driveway, my heart sinks and I know that I'm just going to have to go hide in my room for the rest of the night. But not before I hear their insults. But sometimes, I'm lucky and they're all down in the shop and I don't see them.

It is hard to live with my brother, but I believe in karma, and I believe that they will all get what is coming to them, sometime or another. And that makes it easier for me to hang on.

But it is unfathomable that people will make others feel so small and worthless so that they can feel better about themselves. Why can't they just do healthy things to make themselves feel better? Go to the gym, read, or help another person to feel better, use your own personal medicine, but don't hurt another person so you can be bigger. The bigger person is really the one who is nice and caring and helpful, not the one who beats others up. We should focus on our strengths, instead of our weaknesses and maybe for once- be kind to another person. Why is it that people bully others? I think it is because of their own insecurities. It is important to distance yourself from these people and make sure you don't take what they have to say to heart. It is also important to know that what these people say is not, and never will be true. They are just verbalizing their own problems, so ignore them.

Did you know that suicide is the third leading cause of death among young people? It results in about 4,400 deaths per year, according to the CDC. For every suicide among young people, there are at least 100 suicide attempts. Over 14 percent of high school students have considered suicide, and almost 7 percent have attempted it.

Bully victims are between 2 to 9 times more likely to consider suicide than non-victims. According to statistics reported by ABC News, nearly 30 percent of students are either bullies or victims of bullying, and 160,000 kids stay home from school every day because of fear of bullying.

This is just some food for thought. There is a strong link between bullying and suicide. This is becoming an epidemic. People need to stop acting like asses and start realizing the statistics. Any thing you say or do to an individual can impact their day in a good or bad way, so why not impact someone's day in a good way?

I was told by many, many people that I need to grow balls. Steel balls. Especially if I want to be a social worker. Well, it all begins with having a voice, and this is what I have to say on ignorant bullies. They will get what is coming to them, don't worry. We all need to stick up for ourselves at some point in our lives, and this is my time.

Forgiveness

Here is my first ever blog post. I'm not sure if I'll be good at it, but let's give it a shot. BANG BANG. Let's talk about forgiveness. I have a hard time forgiving people, and I can hold grudges for a long time. Some times I let the borderline in me get the best of myself. But sometimes I don't let it and I have a second of clarity, where I am able to forgive, and hell that is the best feeling in the world. Well, apart from mania that is. I found this paper on forgiveness that I wrote for a soc class that I took last year, and I still think that it rings true. I hope you enjoy it. It shows how much of a hippy I've become in the past couple of years. HOW THE HELL DID I TURN INTO A HIPPY?! Oh well, that's a topic for another day. Welp, here it is:

There are many different types of violence and abuse, but forgiving that violence or abuse is a tough process that may take time. Some people are able to forgive, but some live their entire lives not being able to, while holding a grudge or feeling hatred toward another person or group. While everyone has their right to forgive and not forgive, I believe that it is important to be able to forgive because it erases all of the anger and negativity associated with the violent act.

Violence and abuse is a pattern or cycle of behavior where one tries to establish power and keep control over someone else. Violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, psychological, spiritual, and cultural. Abuse can be verbal, financial and neglect.

The book The Buddha and the Terrorist by Satish Kumar tells a tale that shows how important forgiveness is. The story is set in a town of India, where a man known as Angulimala has been randomly murdering people and cutting off their fingers to make a necklace of fingers. No one can stop him since he is so strong and because everyone fears him. The Buddha hears about this killer and is unafraid, and he believes that he can change his ways. He believes that a life lived in fear is no life and that he must reach out to those who are possessed with anger and ignorance. Encountering Angulimala, he tells him that he is capable of being a friend, of compassion, and of change.

Near the end of the story, the Buddha convinces Angulimala to bury his sword and his finger necklace and he shows him the Buddhist way of life. Anguilimala becomes a monk and changes his name to Ahimsaka, which means the non-violent one. Ahimsaka then starts meditating and reflecting on what he has done, and he believes that he has to confront his victims’ loved ones and ask for their forgiveness. At the same time, the king of the nearby town and the rest of the villagers want revenge for their loved ones. Ahimsaka goes to the village to seek forgiveness from the villagers, but instead he gets attacked by them. The villagers would have killed him, if it wasn’t for the Buddha, who heard that Ahimsaka went to the village and followed him. The Buddha persuaded the villagers to give Ahimsaka a trial, and during that trial the Buddha showed them that killing Ahimsaka, who renounced his old ways, would not bring back their loved ones.

This story, even though it dates back over 2,500 years, relates to today’s culture. The terrorist from the story is most likely not how we picture terrorists today, but the concepts from the story show how important it is to be able to forgive one another, and how important it is for one to be at peace with their past and what they have done.

Victims of abuse usually turn their abuser into something nonhuman, like a devil. The idea of forgiving their abuser, or “the devil,” may seem like a crazy idea to the victim, but the victim can turn their “devil” back into a person in time.

When the victim gives their abuser the chance to make amends for what they did, it leads to the victim being able to meet with their abuser and discuss what happened and try to restore the relationship, if the abuser was someone they knew. This isn’t always realistic, and it doesn’t apply to every abuse case, but it is processes that can help a victim forgive.

Forgiveness is a good thing to do and it has been found to improve psychological wellbeing and mental and physical health for the victim. It also helps to restore relationships between people and groups. A person with a more forgiving personality is more likely to have a higher level of self-esteem and life satisfaction, decreased anger, hostility, neuroticism, anxiety and depression. Women tend to be more forgiving than men. Victims tend to forgive when they receive sincere and genuine apologies, but that is not always the case. The more serious and heinous an act of violence, the harder it is for a victim to forgive.

Forgiveness can serve more than one function at the same time, whether it is making the offender feel better about their actions, strengthening the relationship between the victim and the abuser, or for coping functions. We as human beings are motivated to defend ourselves from attacks on the self, and abuse is an attack on the victim’s self. Violence and abuse cause distress for victims, but forgiving an abuser is a good way to reduce or end the distress.

Being able to forgive someone is a healthy and important part of the healing process. One needs to have insight into the other person or group’s actions and perspectives in order to fully forgive them. Time is a major factor in forgiving; it takes time to forgive someone for heinous things. Human beings are capable of compassion and forgiveness, and those are essential for everyone to get along.