So, on April Fool's day, I was trying to prank my dad. I went away to Hershey for a conference and I was on my way home on April Fool's day when I called my dad and told him that my friends left me in Hershey. I thought about what I was going to do to him on the first all weekend long, since I couldn't do the plan that me and my sister's ex/niece's dad and I had planned because I was away at the conference. We were going to take his truck, and take all the wheels off of it, but that was an impossible plan, so I had to go down a different avenue. So the best plan I came up with over the weekend was telling my dad, when I was 5 minutes away from home (so he wouldn't leave and head for Hershey. Aren't I so thoughtful?), that I got left in Hershey. I had everything down packed. I knew what I was going to say and I was going to sound believable. I bet you can tell what happened. He didn't believe me. He laughed in my face. And when I got home, he did the one thing you never do to me- challenge me. He told me that I would never be able to prank him. He got me a couple times that day. Even the day after, he got my brother's girl friend to tell me she saw the crazy crack head who lives near us come out of my house and that she had suspicions of my dad and her being together. This being after April Fool's, I somewhat believed her. Not fully, because I honestly thought my dad had better taste than that. When I confronted him the next day, he just broke out in laughter. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. After that I was even more determined to get back at him. So me and my sister came up with the perfect plan.
So, I started dating a fake person. Let's just say my family doesn't like Spanish people, so some of my family members freaked out when they found out that I was dating "Pablo Hernandez". The first person I told was my mom, because I knew she would set everything in motion. She would tell Crystal, who would tell my brother- the most bigoted person in my family. The day I told her, all I knew at the time was what his first name would be. I discovered that day really how well I can lie, especially when I'm on the stand and have to make a lot of lies up real quick. So that day I found out that Pablo Hernandez was 25 and was in my sister's writing class. He speaks Spanish, and he is adorable. My mom ate all of it up.
The next thing I did was make up a fake facebook for Pablo. I found a random picture off the internet, wrote some stuff up about him, and bam, there it was. Then I changed our relationship statuses. I didn't tell my dad outright at first that I was dating someone, because I knew that if I told him, he wouldn't believe me. The next person I told was John, my niece's dad. He freaked out. He basically told me that I was a horrible German, and that I shouldn't be dating Pablo. He told me that its not right for a dog to mess with a cat, or a chihuahua shouldn't mess with a pit bull. I told him that he was ridiculous, and that his analogies didn't make sense.
My dad found out about me and "Pablo" in the best way. One day I was at Redner's and I decided to bring home flowers for the kitchen table. Little did I know that this was the best item I bought that day. So any way, I was working with the stubborn plant because the roots were coming out. John came over and he asked me if the flowers were from Pablo. Luckily, my sister was in the room and she played it up. I left the room to take the plant outside, but my sister yelled something about me and Pablo as I was walking out the door. Later, my sister told me that my dad choked on his coffee when he heard that I was dating "Pablo". As my sister told me- "Hook, line and sinker!"
Then I had "Pablo" friend request my dad on facebook, and the next morning my dad asked me more about this "Pablo". I was shy and I told him that Pablo was just a friend. And then my dad told me that "Pablo better treat you right, or I'll do the same thing to him as I did to John!" (My dad pulled a gun on John when my sister and him told my dad she was pregnant. He peed himself, might I add. Or at least that's what I hear).
So for a couple weeks, I pretended to go out on dates on the weekend. I would get dressed up to go out to do what I normally do on the weekends. Then finally the time came to tell everyone the best part of the prank.
Pablo got me pregnant. I didn't think that I could pull that part off, so I practiced with John. The one morning I made a big scene on facebook about how Pablo and I broke up. Then that night while I was over at John's, he asked me about it. And I told him that we were fighting because I hung out with an ex, but then I said that wasn't the worst of it. And then I didn't even have to say that I was pregnant! The big dummy asked ME if I was pregnant! So I took it and I ran with it. Then I had to sit through a lecture about how I have to grow the fuck up and take responsibility, even though Pablo left me because he thought I was cheating on him. As I was being lectured, I was freaking out to him about how everything was ruined. How was I going to finish school, work or do ANYTHING while being a single mother? Holy hell, I wasn't ready for this! I didn't think John would believe me, but he did. He was too easy though, and I had my practice for the real challenge- my dad.
So, after we all had dinner at John's, I went home with my dad, and before he could retreat to his man cave, I nervously asked him if I could talk to him. He asked me what was up, and I told him that Pablo broke up with me. And he said that he knew, he saw it on facebook. (yay for facebook!) And then I said, it gets worse. He broke up with me because... (dun dun dun) I'm pregnant. It took all my willpower to not laugh as I said this, but I did it. Then I watched my dad freak out, put his hands on his head and scream "Oh my god, oh my god, I can't believe this, I thought you were smarter than that!" After a little bit, I couldn't stand not laughing, and I let it out. The look he gave me when he realized it was a joke was hilarious and priceless, and I knew I had won the battle. I succeeded in pulling the greatest joke ever on him. So, just so you all know, I'm probably going to hell for this, but it was all worth it. And my sister and I will probably go down in history as the worst children ever, but I guess I'm ok with that. My dad still didn't realize that Pablo is a fake person, but if he's reading this right now, then now he knows.
As for John, he still thinks I'm pregnant. After I told my dad that I was pregnant, I went back over to John's and pretended that my dad went ballistic and left the room to get away from me. I also told him that he left the room muttering something about puertoricans. I acted depressed and suicidal, and I freaked out a little bit more. Then I went home so he would think that I was moping. It's working, I keep getting texts from him asking me if I'm alright.
I don't know which way to go with this. If I let it go and never tell him, only so long will pass before he realizes that I'm not showing. I could either wait and see how long it takes him to realize that I'm not pregnant, or piss him off and tell him that I got an abortion. To be honest, as of now I don't know which option to choose. Maybe I'll sleep on it, or let things work out the way they're meant to.
But all I know is that I'm amazing. I never thought I could pull this off, but I did. And to be honest, I'm kind of glad it's over with. Who would have thought that lying for over 3 weeks would end up being annoying and time consuming? But oh well, that is just how I roll. PEACE!
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