Forgiveness

Here is my first ever blog post. I'm not sure if I'll be good at it, but let's give it a shot. BANG BANG. Let's talk about forgiveness. I have a hard time forgiving people, and I can hold grudges for a long time. Some times I let the borderline in me get the best of myself. But sometimes I don't let it and I have a second of clarity, where I am able to forgive, and hell that is the best feeling in the world. Well, apart from mania that is. I found this paper on forgiveness that I wrote for a soc class that I took last year, and I still think that it rings true. I hope you enjoy it. It shows how much of a hippy I've become in the past couple of years. HOW THE HELL DID I TURN INTO A HIPPY?! Oh well, that's a topic for another day. Welp, here it is:

There are many different types of violence and abuse, but forgiving that violence or abuse is a tough process that may take time. Some people are able to forgive, but some live their entire lives not being able to, while holding a grudge or feeling hatred toward another person or group. While everyone has their right to forgive and not forgive, I believe that it is important to be able to forgive because it erases all of the anger and negativity associated with the violent act.

Violence and abuse is a pattern or cycle of behavior where one tries to establish power and keep control over someone else. Violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, psychological, spiritual, and cultural. Abuse can be verbal, financial and neglect.

The book The Buddha and the Terrorist by Satish Kumar tells a tale that shows how important forgiveness is. The story is set in a town of India, where a man known as Angulimala has been randomly murdering people and cutting off their fingers to make a necklace of fingers. No one can stop him since he is so strong and because everyone fears him. The Buddha hears about this killer and is unafraid, and he believes that he can change his ways. He believes that a life lived in fear is no life and that he must reach out to those who are possessed with anger and ignorance. Encountering Angulimala, he tells him that he is capable of being a friend, of compassion, and of change.

Near the end of the story, the Buddha convinces Angulimala to bury his sword and his finger necklace and he shows him the Buddhist way of life. Anguilimala becomes a monk and changes his name to Ahimsaka, which means the non-violent one. Ahimsaka then starts meditating and reflecting on what he has done, and he believes that he has to confront his victims’ loved ones and ask for their forgiveness. At the same time, the king of the nearby town and the rest of the villagers want revenge for their loved ones. Ahimsaka goes to the village to seek forgiveness from the villagers, but instead he gets attacked by them. The villagers would have killed him, if it wasn’t for the Buddha, who heard that Ahimsaka went to the village and followed him. The Buddha persuaded the villagers to give Ahimsaka a trial, and during that trial the Buddha showed them that killing Ahimsaka, who renounced his old ways, would not bring back their loved ones.

This story, even though it dates back over 2,500 years, relates to today’s culture. The terrorist from the story is most likely not how we picture terrorists today, but the concepts from the story show how important it is to be able to forgive one another, and how important it is for one to be at peace with their past and what they have done.

Victims of abuse usually turn their abuser into something nonhuman, like a devil. The idea of forgiving their abuser, or “the devil,” may seem like a crazy idea to the victim, but the victim can turn their “devil” back into a person in time.

When the victim gives their abuser the chance to make amends for what they did, it leads to the victim being able to meet with their abuser and discuss what happened and try to restore the relationship, if the abuser was someone they knew. This isn’t always realistic, and it doesn’t apply to every abuse case, but it is processes that can help a victim forgive.

Forgiveness is a good thing to do and it has been found to improve psychological wellbeing and mental and physical health for the victim. It also helps to restore relationships between people and groups. A person with a more forgiving personality is more likely to have a higher level of self-esteem and life satisfaction, decreased anger, hostility, neuroticism, anxiety and depression. Women tend to be more forgiving than men. Victims tend to forgive when they receive sincere and genuine apologies, but that is not always the case. The more serious and heinous an act of violence, the harder it is for a victim to forgive.

Forgiveness can serve more than one function at the same time, whether it is making the offender feel better about their actions, strengthening the relationship between the victim and the abuser, or for coping functions. We as human beings are motivated to defend ourselves from attacks on the self, and abuse is an attack on the victim’s self. Violence and abuse cause distress for victims, but forgiving an abuser is a good way to reduce or end the distress.

Being able to forgive someone is a healthy and important part of the healing process. One needs to have insight into the other person or group’s actions and perspectives in order to fully forgive them. Time is a major factor in forgiving; it takes time to forgive someone for heinous things. Human beings are capable of compassion and forgiveness, and those are essential for everyone to get along.